Dream Big

It has been quite some time, but it seems suitable to write now. I have returned from visiting old friends I would have seen had I attended Sebastian's wake.

His passing has prompted me to re-evaluate much. In addition, I find myself at loose ends these days, with my daughter away and my thesis done. I've made some slight adjustments (as though I am a car). It occurs to me that dreaming big is the key. I've been caught in a rut of what I imagine is possible. I leave out so much. The little things like: drums--I always wanted to play the drums, but never thought I could (too expensive, etc); hang gliding; travel. And so on and so on. I convince myself that my finances, my talents and my interests are limited.

I saw my high school teacher from 20 years ago. We looked at the newspapers that we had then made. I forgot that I drew cartoons, like this one:



I made myself laugh, years later. The erasure of time is shocking.

So I'm taking a friend's advice and setting limits rather than standards, but I'm not setting limits on my dreams...anymore.

Lives Lived: SEBASTIAN RICHARD MARCUS ALEXANDER

With sorrow and the deepest sympathy to all of you who knew him best, I can see that the loss of Sebastian is felt by many.

This was the moving and appropriate Lives Lived column penned by Lyle Neff for Sebastian Alexander.

This is the Vancouver Sun obituary:

ALEXANDER _ Sebastian Richard Marcus May 20, 1962 - March 15, 2007 It is with great sadness we announce the death of Sebastian Richard Marcus Alexander. Predeceased by his father Graham Alexander. Left to mourn are his Mother Lilian (Lyn) Ward. Stepfather of 37 years Mike Ward, Sister Naomi Alexander and her son Dylan Alexander. Also many relatives and friends in Canada, Istanbul, Cheng-Du China, and the UK. His funeral took place at a countryside church in Cheng-Du with many friends there to say goodbye to him. His ashes will be returned to us here in Canada. Another service of his life will take place in Vancouver on April 22nd at The Railway (Back Room) 579 Dunsmuir, corner of Seymour at 6:00 p.m. Born in England, lived and went to school in the UK, Australia, and Canada. Went to University in Winnipeg and also the University of Victoria. Traveled around Europe twice. He loved writing and wrote many poems, short stories, and plays, wrote and acted across Canada in the Fringe Festival with his play "Just A Moment". He said it was tough but fun. His favourite poem was Eldorado by Edgar Allan Poe and the writings of Dylan Thomas. He lived in Vancouver for many years. Later went to Istanbul Turkey teaching English, while still writing and involved in the theatre and film making. He moved to Cheng-Du China where again he taught English, he also owned and ran a small bar...while still writing. He worked so hard, too many hours. He should have been here in February of this year...but had decided to leave China...so decided to come in May after sorting things out. One will always wonder if only... he died of a sudden heart attack on March 15, he was too young, 44 is no age. You were so full of promise and had so many plans. But that was then and this is now.
Published in the Vancouver Sun on 4/21/2007.

I am officially an amateur filmmaker

I made a short film.

This is it. The result of a film workshop & working with 4 minutes of 8 mm silent film:

Sebastian Alexander

It was a great shock to hear from a friend that we had lost a special individual and old friend. "Sebastian Alexander has died" was the subject line. I spent the day receiving responses from people I hadn't seen the names of for years. Each reacting with their own private memories and grief. Sebastian and I were as close as drinking buddies sometimes get, but it was a long time ago. One of his friends wrote that Sebastian treated him like a little brother. I felt that, too. He could be a right arse after the pints, or surprisingly charming, but this did not diminish his character--it amplified it.

After hearing the news, my head and heart were back in 1990, the many hours in Felicita's, and many memories. His blog address was made available. His entries, poems and photos showed that he had not changed.

News of Sebastian's death affected me. I turned myself inside-out thinking back about him, old friends, who I was then, who we all were, and what we thought we would be. I read a translation of Proust today in a book Ben had recommended to me (How Proust Can Change Your Life):

I think that life would suddenly seem wonderful to us if we were threatened to die as you say. Just think of how many projects, travels, love affairs, studies, it--our life--hides from us, made invisible by our laziness which, certain of a future, delays them incessantly.

But let all this threaten to become impossible for ever, how beautiful it would become again! Ah! if only the cataclysm doesn't happen this time, we won't miss visiting the new galleries of the Louvre, throwing ourselves at the feet of Miss X, making a trip to India.

The cataclysm doesn't happen, we don't do any of it, because we find ourselves back in the heart of normal life, where negligence deadens desire. And yet we shouldn't have needed the cataclysm to love life today. It would have been enough to think that we are humans, and that death may come this evening.

What was special about Sebastian--and I write this only knowing him as a buddy of many years ago, with memories rendered fresh by his writing and photos--is that he lived a life of desire, without negligence. His blog shows that. I think we remember that. What made me sad was remembering when I was like that, too. I hope to recapture it.


To all my friends ... and most importantly to you, Sebastian Alexander, cheers.

DONE

Well, readers (both of you), you'll be happy to know that I finished my thesis. Initial submission anyway. It was a long haul, but I'm pleased.

Now the filmmaking resumes. I've completed a rough edit of my short 8 mm film UNDERPASS. This was made as a project for an 8 mm film workshop. I set out to tell a certain short story, with a certain look. This has been achieved.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!

p.s. explosivegeneration, looking forward to your year-end List(s). Maybe I'll do some myself. Ah I see you've already done them. Good on ya!

Blue

I have no reason to be...

Luxury

So with the return of my daughter, we thought that cable would be a good idea and decided to splurge. In addition to basic cable, we ordered a special movie pack for our IFC and otherwise fancy film taste. I have never had cable in my adult life in my home, so I was thrilled. In a way, it was marvelous since we had terrible reception. Then last night...I found myself...waiting...and watching...to see Jerry Springer dance. I knew it had to stop. I turned off the box before it happened. On the other hand, my daughter introduced me to the funniest little show, which I now adore: Chilly Beach. It's on CBC, but the site isn't working well at the moment.





As you can see

our cat likes the digital box.

Homesick

Sometimes I find myself searching for signs of Smithers online. Images, stories, formerly familiar faces. I see a denuded Hudson's Bay Mountain. Global warming in action. I watch the wonderful Alice, I Think (based on Susan Juby's fantastic books) and I glory in the glimpses of my town in the inter-scene splices. How did they find an actress who looks so much like Susan? But it's filmed in Langley, not Smithers, which is evident enough.

Sometimes I wonder if my daughter would do well growing up in a small town like I did. Smithers vs. Ottawa? It would be different now. A small example would be the availability of online radio (I'm a new fan of BBC 3), so not limited to BVLD, hosted as it then was by fellow high school students and their rebellious picks. I'm told that it is not so special anymore, just an ordinary small town with Tim Hortons and such. Still, my 20th (!) high school reunion is in a few years, so I should really make it out if they have one.

Renewal

So I am concentrating on breathing as I realize that the source of much tension is my inability to breathe properly. We went to a scandinavian spa recently and enjoyed a day of waterfalls, massage, wine and cheese. I now return to the site just for the music.

I have been continuing to explore Ottawa and discover places I enjoy. Shanghai karaoke and wonderful won ton. Clips of karaoke are online, too. Thanks for the photo Don!

And IFCO keeps me busy in my spare time. The recent gala was quite an event, with a very strong group of films, including the extremely impressive Mercy Seed by Anthony Seck. It's nice to see where the Co-op can take you when you work at it.

While I tend to stay away from politics, generally, this is interesting. At the very least, it is an interesting example of what a low-budget documentary can look like--keeping in mind that there is much unlicensed footage.

I've been on my "home" vacation for 10 days and I return in 20 days. This was definitely a good idea.

Healing

I woke up with a song in my head yesterday morning and have begun to sing again.

I have a new cat who has a new name. His previous name did not, as my friend pointed out, suit his magnificant and handsome presence. Would you worship an animal named "Peanut"? I didn't think so. Nonetheless, the new name incorporates it, so he will know that I know who he in fact is, or was.



My thesis is rolling along with the inspiration of Spring.

Spring in Ottawa feels more inevitable than it did in Montreal. In Montreal spring was a celebration. Here, it just feels like, well, ok now that is over, where are my tax forms?

But no more being down on Ottawa! Ottawa is too easy a target and surely there are better things to do here than complain about the city.

What is it about dancing?

This made me laugh.

And laugh.

http://dailydancer.com/

If Charlie Parker Was a Gunslinger

Is this wrong to admit?

Have been reminded of my absence by friends, so am back in the saddle.

My friend Adam Muller's new book is out soon. Is it about culture and other important topics. He is a smart man. I'm sure it will be a good read. You can pre-order it here. Or check it out here.

I'm listening to Beck. I love Beck. I don't care if he is a Scientologist. Is this wrong to admit?

Ottawa feels sharp and crisp on this sunny Remembrance Day. The leaves have fallen. Yesterday snow fell.

Did you know that the Will & Grace web site includes wardrobe information and instructions on how and where to shop to be like them? What have we become. That said, now that I've seen it, I wish The West Wing did it too. Is this wrong to admit?

Today I have only confessions to share.

Bizarre Winery Tragedy

Writer Lyle Neff, one of my oldest friends (as he once put it when we were teens - whether he likes it or not), has a new collection of poetry: Bizarre Winery Tragedy. You can find information here: http://www.anvilpress.com/catalog/new/index.htm. I must admit I don't have this yet...but knowing his work, I look forward to it. His writing is like acid rain on a stormy night - it is a bit dangerous and nasty, and you may want to stay out of its way, but in the end it has its own unique beauty. I urge you to support him and all young (ish!) Canadian poets. I know I will.

The essential humanism of the Danish people

Long weekend musing...while reading the newspaper and Salon and feeling so much sorrow for the people of New Orleans, I have been finding myself randomly searching the Internet.

This is an interesting article about Danish culture and identity I came across while searching for something unrelated...in fact it was in a search for the Henry Miller novel that has a reference to the unique Danish sense of humour of one of the characters. I'm still trying to find it.

As a result of a late night discussion of seventies children's shows with some other Canadian thirty-somethings, I was prompted to locate a strange show that I vaguely recalled. In the process of searching--all I remembered was a drawing and its mirror image being relevant--I located it ("Vision On").


I also located a marvelous site that had the opening segments from its various incarnations: http://tv.cream.org/. This site is a wonder. TV theme songs. Great top 100 list. And much much more.

On watching The Bourne Supremacy again

While I enjoy good (i.e. critically acclaimed) films and literature, I am not a film or book snob. Even so, I just don't understand my fascination with The Bourne Supremacy. Is it some idealistic identification with the tough-talking yet fallable CIA supervisor Pamela Landy (fallible above all for being so easily targetted by the un-sexy yet efficient Bourne)? Why doesn't she close her blinds? Sheesh. Maybe it's the car chase (the best car chase I think I have EVER seen, by the way). Maybe it's the hand-held Canadian-grey feel.

"They don't DO random" ... what a dippy line.

Broken Flowers

Ben suggested that Bill Murray's performance in Broken Flowers is like that in Lost in Translation. That's true in some ways, but I see the two films as quite distinct. While Lost in Translation seems about place, Broken Flowers is more about time. I could say more. But I won't.

Summer almost over

My daughter has come and gone and my thesis still isn't done. I have resorted to reading books on writing techniques. Still, the thesis has been overhauled and--while there is less than I would have preferred--it is better.

Welcome to my past

Ever since coming to Ottawa, I've been increasingly impressed by the quality and relevance of "blogs" in political discourse. Nevertheless, this is not what my blog is going to be about. This is just an ordinary blog. It will also chart the course of the completion of my Master's thesis.

I have about two-thirds of the thesis complete and have recently thought through some ideas that I had hoped to implement for the final section, so I am happy with the progress.

Gabby is coming next weekend. I have a lot of work to do before she arrives. Weekends do fly.